First a story, then a letter to a senator

This Jim’s Jottings first appeared on June 20, 2007.
I have two reasons to believe this story is acceptable for a community newspaper. First, it was told to me in the Flint Elks Club men’s room, and second, my daughter said it was ok.
An Irishman has been doctoring for some time, and this was the day he was to get the diagnosis. He asked his son to drive him to the doctor.
The doctor asked his patient to sit down while he read the report. The MD said, “You have terminal cancer, and you have maybe six months to live.”
The Irishman goes out to the car, tells his son the results, then asks, “Would you drive me to the pub, I wanna tell my buddies?”
Inside the pub the Irishman announces, “I have AIDS and they’ve given me six months to live.” They have a few pints, then our man returns to the car. The son says, “You have cancer, why did you tell them you have AIDS?”
He said, “I don’t want them mess’n around with me wife after I’m gone!”
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I was asked to pass along the following letter from a man in Maryland. Since the letter reflects my feelings, I’m passing:
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Dept. of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process of becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U. S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill you voted for.
It is my understanding the bill says as an illegal alien who has been in the U.S. for fivr years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I’d like to get in on that.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year, so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively?
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as “in-state” tuition rates for many colleges throughout the U.S. for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
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Enough already! Let’s get serious. Aspire to inspire before you expire.
Camping tip: When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
New drug: Jakasspirin-Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number or to close the toilet lid.
You think retirement is slowdown time? I’m busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

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