Jeff Foxworthy’s view of Michigan

Jeff Foxworthy’s view of Michigan
I’ve seen Jeff Foxworthy on stage, in movies and on tv with three other stand-uppers. I’ve even read his book ‘You Might Be A Redneck, If.?
He doesn’t call it that, but he has some You Might Be A Michigander, If’s.
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.
If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months of the year, you might live in Michigan.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Michigan.
If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.
If you have worn shorts and coats at the same time, you might live in Michigan.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you might live in Michigan.
And, you’re a true Michigander if . . .
‘Vacation? means going up north on I-75.
You measure your distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You often switch from ‘heat? to ‘A/C? in the same day.
You can drive 65 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You know all four seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
Driving is better in winter because all the potholes are filled with snow.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
You are unaware there is a legal drinking age.
Down south to you means Ohio.
A brat is something you eat.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
You go out to a fish fry every Friday.
Your Fourth of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You find ?0? degrees a ‘little chilly.?
You drink pop and bake with soda.
Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it’s not medicine.
You know what a Yooper is.
You think owning a Honda is un-American.
You know UP is a place, not a direction.
You know it’s possible to live in a thumb.
You understand when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.
You actually understand these jokes, and you share them with all your Michigan friends.