Jumping Jottings
Humor, courtesy Porcupine Press? UP Humor Magazine
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
‘May we see the baby?? one asked.
‘Not yet . . . Soon,? said the 65-year-old mother.
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, ‘May we see the new baby now??
‘Not yet,? said the mother.
After another few minutes elapsed, they asked again, ‘May we see the baby now??
‘No,? replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, ‘Well, when CAN we see the baby??
‘WHEN IT CRIES,? she told them.
‘WHEN IT CRIES?? they demanded. ‘Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??
‘BECAUSE. I forgot where I put it.!?
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Non-humor
Not too long ago hypnotist Ryan Hibbert spoke to the Oxford Rotary Club. He’s certified hypno-therapist, a title he got through the National Board of Hypnosis, among others.
We all know hypnotists use their skill to help people lose weight, stop smoking and manage stress, but there are a couple more things listed on his business card.
Ryan says hypnosis can help a person overcome fears, make childbirth painless and improve sports abilities.
I think I can understand how putting a person under a spell can do those six things, but the seventh listed ‘help? is breast enhancement.
Ryan offered only this, in his mentions, ‘Hypnosis can enhance many parts of the body, and that’s as far as I’m going with that.? Maybe I’ll find $150 or so and get Ryan to tell me more.
It is amazing what he can get a person to do in a very short time. He insists the candidate has to be willing, will be aware and do nothing under a spell that is contrary to their beliefs.
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Lewis Grizzard writes: You know that sign, ‘No shoes, no shirt, no service?? Does this mean that as long as I have on a shirt and shoes, I can take off my pants and still get a cheeseburger?
My golf partner John Pattrell said if he was graduating from college now, and wanted to stay in Michigan, he’d go into the sign making business, specializing in ‘Home For Sale? signs. He says, ‘If people don’t have them now, they will pretty soon.?
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Grandson Dan is three years older than his sister, Karen. He’s been at Michigan State over three years, Karen is in school in Chicago.
In telling Dan about it, I saw a new look come over his face. So, I added, ‘Your sister came later, after your parents got some things paid for, so she gets more than you did.?
He fairly shouted, ‘I WANT REPARATION!
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I read that members of the computer generation think it’s ‘cool? to put a slash through the number 7. It looks like a capital ‘F? to uncool me.
Will Rogers said: ‘It there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.?
You’re not a kid any more when you are obsessed with a thermostat.- Jeff Foxworthy
It’s funny that women aren’t embarrassed when they buy men’s pajamas, but a guy purchasing a nightgown acts as though he was making a deal with a dope peddler.
And, finally, the late Art Buchwald said, ‘Americans are broad-minded people. They’ll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn’t drive there’s something wrong with him.?