Editor’s Note: October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The story below about a local woman who survived domestic abuse is the second in a two-part series. View the first part, Stephanie’s story, online at www.thecitizenonline.com. Names have been changed to protect identities.
Brandon Twp.- Mary was in her mid-20s, fresh out of college and comfortable in the knowledge of who she was, when she met Steve.
He was handsome and she was drawn to his personality, which she described as very outgoing and friendly during their courtship, which led to an engagement and marriage less than a year after they started dating. What Mary, who had a normal childhood and happily married parents, never saw coming was the angry, abusive Steve.
‘I was ill-prepared to identify a potential abuser,? she says now, several years after leaving him. ‘Even today, I’m not sure I would pick up on it. Some of those stereotypical things weren’t there.?
But not long after they married, disturbing behaviors emerged. Steve would have long periods where he wouldn’t speak to her because he was angry? sometimes even weeks.
‘Everything was always my fault,? Mary says. ‘If the wall color paint wasn’t good, if he didn’t get his way, if I had any expectations of him? that was bad. But he had all kinds of expectations of me. Not long after that, it got loud and ugly.?
Mary expected to have differences of opinion in her marriage, but to have constructive conversation. She wasn’t prepared for him to blow up at her and to find herself turning into a doormat. Steve would holler and she would shut up.
‘I can remember thinking, ‘I wonder if my dad does this to my mom and I never saw it,? or ‘I wonder if this is how other people live,?? Mary recalled.
She would tell herself that when work got better for him or whatever other situation that might be bothering him improved, they would be fine. In the meantime, she says she would think, ?’Please, God, don’t let me say the wrong thing to incite him or set him off.??
Mary had always been opinionated, but she learned not to express an opinion about anything. She let him choose everything and learned that when her opinion was asked, she should say what he wanted to hear.
‘Life became shades of gray,? she says. ‘I was a shell of who I once was.?
But she didn’t leave. She describes what her marriage became as similar to golf.
‘You hit one good shot, and it’s all good. It gets you out on the golf course again… You have a good couple weeks, then it happens again.?
The verbal abuse escalated and then physical violence entered the picture. Shortly after their first child was born, Steve shoved her up against a wall after she was joking around with him.
‘I remember thinking, ‘I know my dad never did this,? and ‘I’ll never be able to trust him again.? I cried. But I didn’t say anything and we didn’t talk about it.?
Mary knew what had happened was horrible. But she minimized it, telling herself later that she had made too big a deal of it; afterall, he hadn’t balled up his fist and hit her and she didn’t have a black eye. Her life became all about doing what she had to do to get through the day.
‘I wanted to make my marriage work; I loved him,? she said.
But the threats of violence continued and the verbal abuse became 100 times worse. Mary couldn’t do anything right in his eyes and he constantly cut her down. Things were thrown against the walls. She drove herself crazy trying to figure out what made him angry before she finally gave up trying to fix him.
‘Everything was about things that shouldn’t matter,? she said. ‘But nothing was ever gotten over? it was just an issue to be brought up at a later date. He would bring up things that were said before we were married, when I had an opinion that could be expressed.?
None of their family or friends knew anything was amiss as Steve played the loving husband in public. They had more children and he never hurt her physically in front of them, but had no problem verbally abusing their mother while the kids were present.
‘It got unbearable. I was so incompetent at living from his perspective,? says Mary, who adds he wasn’t interested in counseling.
There was no one thing that was the final straw for her. Instead, she was walking around her house cleaning one day when she said she thought to herself, ‘Just one thing today, and I’m outta here.? That one thing happened.
She waited until he left the house, packed up clothes for herself and her children, and went to her parents. He came to her that day and told her to come home. She refused.
Not long after she had left, they were alone one day when he beat her to the point she feared for her life. Later, she considered calling the police, but didn’t because of her children.
‘I never worried he would hurt the kids and they love their dad,? she says.
She is several years out of the relationship now. Her children see their father regularly, but she has minimal contact with him. She doesn’t plan to tell her children what happened between her and their father, but instead teaches them that it is never OK to hit and tries to give them the means to deal with their conflicts in a better way.
Mary recently joined HAVEN’s speakers bureau as a survivor of domestic violence. She remains single.
‘I just think I really need to work on me,? she says. ‘I was pretty comfortable with who I was going into marriage and I think I’m getting back to me.?
She has been in counseling and has learned a lot.
‘In a relationship, you don’t have to give in. It’s about give and take, not crawling under the rug… What I can’t believe is that I got so low that it was able to happen to me. That emotional stuff is so insidious. You don’t know how low you are until you’re at the bottom trying to drag yourself out.?