Children are supposed to outlive their parents. It’s expected and often viewed as inevitable.
That is part of what makes losing a child explainable by only those who have suffered through the experience.
Joe and Mary Tombrella of Independence Township know how losing a child feels. Their only son Joseph passed away in July of last year at the age of 45 after developing a staph infection. After just over a month of pain, the Tombrella’s lost their son, a wife lost a husband and a daughter lost her father.
‘We’ve been through a lot, but this has been the hardest most painful thing. Within five weeks our son was gone and he had been such a strong strapping young man,? said Mary.
‘It’s been a year from hell. He was very, very close to us. Living close and being close, as a family we’ve always been close. It’s been really hard on Joe, they hunted together and were buddies? It was devastating when this happened,? she continued.
Joseph and his wife Kimberly Sordean were married in 1991 and had daughter Emelia Rose in 2001, said Mary.
The Tombrellas never imagined the pain caused by Joseph’s death, and want others to know where they found comfort when tragedy changed everything.
‘I don’t think anything can prepare parents to go through the loss of a child. It’s not a normal thing to have to outlive a child. We were floating and felt lost,? Mary said.
‘We struggled for six months and our health started deteriorating. But we thought, we have this little girl, we have to do something,? she continued.
With the Tombrellas struggling each in their own way, a lady from NovaCare Mary met while going to therapy for surgery suggested the Tombrellas seek out Mike and Beth Jordan.
The Jordans run the Ortonville Baptist Church Grief Care Group they started in 2004. They decided to become involved after losing their eight-year-old daughter Emily in an accident over Labor Day weekend in 2002.
‘We started the group to provide a safe place for people to go to share feelings with friends. The best thing you can do is become a companion through their grief. It’s not a recovery group because you don’t recover from a death. It’s more a journey than anything that can be fixed,? said Mike Jordan.
‘I couldn’t get out of bed when Emily died? I questioned my faith thinking I had lost it. I felt hopeless, but realized it was okay to go on without her. I needed to start a new journey that led to heaven where there’s no tears or mourning,? he said.
The Tombrellas, knowing no where else to turn, started talking with the Jordans four months after Joseph’s death.
‘We met other people who were in the same place. You share and you cry. We poured our hearts out,? said Mary. ‘I never thought things like that would help? I’m sure our son would not want us to give up. We’re here for a purpose.?
Through the group, Joe and Mary found friends to help them deal with their grief while rediscovering the joy in Kimberly and Emelia Rose.
‘All of us are reluctant to reach out. If anyone experiences this, it’s the most devastating experience of our lives.You fill pain in your heart of lost loved ones with wonderful memories,? Mary said. ‘Force yourself if you have to. It doesn’t get better on its own, you have to reach out.?
The Tombrellas said that besides the meetings, Mike often talks to those suffering from grief over the phone and provides many books and CD’s that have been helpful.
Seeing the benefits of the group, the Jordans embarked on becoming certified in Death and Grief Studies by Colorado State University’s Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado.While Beth works at another job, Mike hopes to make the group a full-time venture.
‘We plan on doing this as long as God will allow us and that will be until we meet Emily in Heaven,? said Jordan.
‘We look forward to going to the meeting. It gives us energy and a start for tomorrow. Everyday is the same thing, our son is on our mind constantly and you wonder why, you question God, but eventually some of the strength comes back,? Mary said.
‘When I see parents and kids, I say ‘enjoy them.? You never know when their time is up. After the death, you start thinking the other way. Thank God we did those things with our family,? Mary said.
‘I’m grateful we had this son of ours for 45 years with all the wonderful things he achieved. He became a father and he was a wonderful father to his little girl, he was thrilled to have this little child.?
Healing with the group has allowed the Tombrellas to enjoy their family and friends despite the grief they say will never go away. Now, as they see glimpses of their son in some of Emelia’s mannerisms and expressions, they can have a life again, laughing at the innocence and purity that can only be seen in a child.
‘We have so much in our lives. This little child was sent to us and I see it as a blessing. She’s healing us,? said Mary.
While Mary said life never goes back to how it was, they laugh at things Emelia does as she starts school. Recently, she took three privileges away from her grandfather for working too hard. She took away ‘popsicles, television and work.?
For more information on the Ortonville Baptist Church Grief Care Group, call 248-627-2513.