Dear Editor,

I fully support the growing resistance to the ridiculous mask and social distancing protocols, including the acts of community-minded business owners who merely post mask signs at their front doors yet provide sales and service to customers who enter without masks to potentially infect customers, staff, and merchandise.
We all know there is no real public health emergency, and health and government officials have overreacted and overreached with all their new safety protocols and mandates imposed upon a weary public.
After all, I AM NOT A SHEEP!
From now on, I will resist with renewed vigor the government oppressors who require me to keep certain body parts covered in public.
Oh, those face masks can be annoying, but I find the wearing of underwear and pants to be even more burdensome and particularly uncomfortable, and especially sticky and stifling in summer.
Effective immediately, I am donating my size XL underwear to deserving charities, or to our military services for use in parachute manufacture to reduce the COVID-burgeoning federal deficit. From now on, any member of the public who wants pathogen or eyesight protection from me can just wear dark eyeglasses and carry a supply of paper towels and spray can of Lysol to wipe my seat as I depart each restaurant, car seat, bus, train or boat.
(Yes, according to public safety guru Donald Trump, Lysol is a powerful cleaning agent as well as a great COVID cure. He even owns stock in the company.)
Henceforth, I plan to carry a can of vegetable oil spray – probably PAM – to keep me from sticking to vinyl and leather seats.
But I will continue to wear a face mask in public places to protect friends and community members from COVID illness and death, and to stem further, permanent economic damage.
Sheep may not be the smartest animals, but at least they have sense enough to protect the herd.
For now, suddenly I’m feeling cold air drafts in new places, and I seem to have adhered to my leather sofa, but I do not fear future mosquito and deer fly bites in new places – for I am finally free, in both mind and body.

Sincerely,
Mike Fetzer
Clarkston