The Great Cookie Shortage of ’23?

By Don Rush

God, help all us sugar freaks!

Oh Lord of Confection, give us strength in this time of grief and wanting. This I pray, Amen.

If you haven’t heard, there’s a panic going on all over the area and it has nothing to do with banks crashing, inflation killing our savings accounts or the cost of eggs. No, no, no. Apparently, there is a Girl Scout Cookie shortage. Not, just around here either, it’s a national calamity. Don’t believe me, here’s from NBC News, “Girl Scout cookie shortage blamed on delays at a Kentucky bakery. Little Brownie Bakers said that labor shortages, global supply chain issues and severe weather in Kentucky have led to delays.”

Say it ain’t so!

Sadly, if the news says it is so, it is.

Don so sad.

Once I heard the news I looked to the source of all knowledge, the internet, to verify my suspicions. Somehow I found myself reading things on the online bidding website, and found boxes of the new flavor I so desperately wanted to try, the Raspberry Rally Girl Scout cookie (think Thin Mint, but berry flavored). Boxes of these sweet treats were up for resale going for up to $35 a box. The normal price was $4 a box. For the love of all that is good and true one hoarder had a lot of 12 boxes and the bids were up to $200!

Oh, the horror. How can we survive such a disaster of this magnitude? Pandemic, inflation, global warming and now this?

Dear Lord, what have we done to deserve such madness in our world that we cannot help those poor scouts of girlish persuasion by purchasing their cookies?

Brothers and Sisters, I think it’s time we repent our sins and get back to the old days of Girl Scout cookies on demand. We all deserve as many cookies as we want. This is not communist Russia or some third world country with bare food shelves. We’re Americans, dangit!

Thinking about it more, do you really believe the mainstream media’s account of cookie maker labor shortages? Come on, man. Almost weekly I hear unemployment is at an almost 50 year low and that means everyone is working, right? I mean all those “help wanted” signs I see up and down M-24 and M-15 must be from the last U.S. president’s term. What kind of wool are “they” trying to pull over our eyes? Supply chain issues? Is this cookie quagmire just another incident in recent history to bring America to her knees and to impose a neo-marxists regime to rule over us hard-working, cookie-loving ‘Mericans?

The Raspberry Rally Girl Scout cookie are something I really wanted to try, but was denied.

I think you know what I am talking about, “they” are trying to keep us all afraid. Balloons are being shot down, banks are closing, trains are derailing, chicken farms are burning, baby formula factories are being closed, eggs, everything is costing more to purchase and now there’s a Girl Scout cookie “shortage” in the land of plenty?

Maybe it’s time to start believing all the conspiracy-minded people and to start wearing tinfoil hats.

I know, I know, I’m whining. I should appreciate the fact that a month ago I was able to buy five whole boxes of Girl Scout cookies versus lamenting the fact I couldn’t purchase the Raspberry Rally cookies. I just really, really wanted to try those Rally treats.

Then, in a moment of clarity, I had a brilliant idea: Instead of going off the deep end and into some rabbit hole of innuendo, rumor and conspiracy, like the trained reporter I am, I should actually do some investigating. So, I reached out to a local Girl Scout mom I know.

“Hey, Babe,” I said (because all chicks dig being called ‘Babe’), “What about this Girl Scout cookie shortage I keep hearing about on the internet and social media?”

“Yo, yo, Rushman,” said she. “Our cupboards still have inventory to my knowledge.”

“Say what?”

“Yup, I have more inventory of the popular cookies than last time we were selling, so I’m hoping we will be ok. We will be out on the corner this weekend selling cookies.”

“Oh. Thanks,” I ended the conversation.

Well, that didn’t go as I expected. Dang, and I had a whole column almost all written. Can you forget what I just wrote?

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