Now is the time of year when it seems like every head of every unit of government is giving their ‘State of the (Fill in the Blank)? address.
From the President of the United States to Michigan’s Governorette to the Oakland County Executive, the big cheeses at every level give these self-congratulatory, blue sky, everything’s superduper speeches.
Last night, Oxford Village President George Del Vigna gave his ‘State of the Village 2007? address.
If you missed it, either C-SPAN or Comedy Central’s going to rerun it. We’ll have a story next week.
A couple of things struck me about Del Vigna’s speech. He said, ‘The recently opened high school is the largest one-story high school in the nation.? Wrong.
‘Oh, I don’t think that is true at all,? said Oxford Superintendent Virginia Brennan-Kyro. ‘I don’t even think it’s the largest one in Michigan.?
At the time it was being built, the superintendent said, ‘I think it was like one of the biggest in Michigan for a single-story building,? but some other district ‘built some mega high school after us.?
Regarding village water, Del Vigna said our wells are ‘said to provide some of the highest quality and best tasting water in Michigan.?
I won’t debate the quality, but exactly who said it’s some of the ‘best tasting water? in the entire state?
Quality can be measured scientifically, but taste is a rather subjective standard.
Did we do a blind taste test like the Pepsi Challenge? Did we pull the old Folger’s Switch and secretly replace another community’s water with Oxford water? Maybe we had one of those expert wine tasters fly in from some vineyard in France.
Wait a minute, I just received a copy of the taster’s notes ? ‘Oxford water is slightly fruity with a strong undercurrent of nuts. After a few sips, you begin to feel delusions of grandeur.?
Anyway, since everybody else gets to give one of these pat-myself-on-the-back speeches, I decided to issue a report on the status of things at my home.
I call it ‘The State of 35 Park Street.? Here goes.
Anniversary ? My beautiful bride Connie and I will be celebrating our sixth wedding anniversary on Saturday, Jan. 27. Overall, I would say our union is a strong and loving one, primarily due to her ability to put up with me. We still laugh a bunch, which is the secret to a happy marriage. She’s hard to leave in the morning and a joy to come home to in the evening. How did I get so lucky?
School Play ? My multi-talented daughter Larissa just earned the lead villain role in the upcoming middle school play. She’s playing Doctor Shock Clock in the March 23 performance of ‘The Comic Book Artist.? I always knew she had it in her to be an evil genius. I’m so proud of her.
Liquor License ? I’m still hoping the village will grant a liquor license for my private bar. After years of studying and perfecting the art of mixology, I’m ready to turn pro. Ask anyone who’s stumbled out of my house, I make the best damn cocktails in this or any other town. As a gesture of goodwill to council, I promise my bar will accept village credit cards and offer discounts for DDA committee meetings.
Taxes ? Inspired by the woefully undertaxed Meriam Building in downtown Oxford, I’m working on some ideas to get away with paying little or no property taxes. I’m considering turning my house into a church or asking Dave Weckle to do a few improvements ? maybe put in an elevator.